It’s been a minute since I last wrote. Covid did a number on a lot of us; students and adults alike. It created a state of overwhelm, for some, far deeper than they’ve experienced before. So let’s talk about overwhelm and how it affects us.

People can be overwhelmed by many different and differing factors. Everything from being alone too much (hello, at home learning/working, creating social anxieties and isolation) to being in a crowd (noise, lights, physical jostling, creating sensory issues in body and mind) to too much school work, to social and interpersonal discomforts and more. These states can initiate over-excitablity and overwhelm leading to a gap between abilities and output.

Unfortunately, it’s often difficult for people to recognize they’re entering a state of overwhelm until flight, fight, freeze, or fawn takes over. By then, there’s no logic on earth that can calm the nervous system. At that point, we need to take a step back to make sure we, and our children, are safe. Discussions need to be paused until more regulated heads prevail. This can take a few minutes to a few months depending on the depths of overwhelm. And, the months can become difficult as we hope we can find center again.

Some expressions of overwhelm are surprising and too often it’s called problematic behavior. Kids are labeled defiant or lazy. And it’s these visible behaviors that often get in the way of others being supportive. Often what is seen as oppositional or non-compliant is really a person in a state of overwhelm doing their best to protect themselves from whatever is overwhelming them; anxiety, depression, skill deficits.

And what’s more, these behaviors can trigger emotions making others in the room enter their own state of overwhelm, which can devolve a situation quickly. This is why it’s so important we understand our own feelings and needs, while communicating clearly, calmly and without judgement.

Empowering our children and ourselves to learn deeply about possible triggers, individual limits, how to say no, how to ask for help, respecting each other’s needs and recognizing abilities will lead to fewer outbursts and an easier de-escalation.

So often adults believe children *should* be able to do something, especially something they’ve done before. However, our children, like us, have good days and bad. They have skills sets that are not complete and sometimes inconsistent. And, some have lost trust that their adults will give them the space to make mistakes. We need to honor where they are, not where we’d like them to be.

The question then, often leads us to how to set boundaries with people who are already in a state of overwhelm.

We all carry heavy burdens and have plenty of hard days and moments. Remember to allow yourself some grace and when things get hard, take a moment to process your emotions. Sit with them and have an inner conversation to try to find some peace. Especially as we enter this holiday season.

If you’d like to learn more about how to help yourself and your children get through those rough days, please reach out. Parenting is tough. I’m here to support you.

I was reading a book the other day that discussed trusting your gut. As babies, we trust our gut - we laugh, cry and wiggle as our bodies need it and moms allow it, they trust their guts.

As toddlers, we trust our gut - we crawl, touch things, eat until we’re full and start making noises without fear of reprisal and moms allow it, they trust their guts.

Somewhere between toddlerhood and preschool, we moms stop trusting our children’s guts and start correcting their behaviors. We start teaching kids not to trust their own need to move, vocalize and eat just the right amount. I remember my mom telling me I had to clean the plate - no matter that the foods bothered me (I’m pretty sure I have sensory processing issues and was diagnosed with Crohns in my 20s - I think my food preferences as a child reflected my body’s need to trust my gut).

What are we telling our kids about who they are when we’re constantly trying to fix their behavior. What is normal? Our school psychologist wanted us to tell our son, every time he acted like his energetic self, “that’s unusual.” In my naïveté, I did. And man do I feel badly about it. It is not my priority to make him “fit in” but rather to learn skills. I wish I’d realized this much earlier. Maybe his behavior was unusual to her but it was hardly a bad thing. If the reproach is about a behavior, you won’t have their trust. What are we doing wrong? Can we change the way we are teaching this? Let’s change our attitude!

While, yes, I know we need to teach our children how society works and what is expected of them in social and academic settings, don’t you think it’s fair to say, “trust your gut?” My son started showing signs of hyperactivity and intelligence as a baby. He never sat still. He spoke his first words at four months and read his first word (Crest, as in toothpaste) at eight months. He crawled at 5 months and walked at 11 months. He climbed and jumped without fear and when he got to pre-school at 2.5, he was regularly reprimanded for not wanting to sit still in circle time or for using critical thinking and playing with things “differently.” I knew it was wrong in my gut and moved him to another school but I fell prey to the idea of norms. And somewhere along the way, I tried to change the way he behaved despite that being how he was wired. That was a mistake! He is who he is.

So now that he is in high school, we are trying to find an environment better suited toward his body’s need for movement while also challenging him academically and supporting his learning differences. We want to see him fly, and we know he can with appropriate accommodations.

As a parent, I have to remind myself to not only trust my gut but trust my kids’ guts. Their behaviors are trying to communicate with me what they can’t verbalize themselves. As teens now, they can tell me some things but they have been told for so long they’re “unusual,” they don’t know what they do they know.

Don’t wait until high school. Demand it at an early age from friends, family, school, sports coaches and religious clergy. Educate them on your differently wired child’s needs, because that’s what they are, needs. And then make sure your child knows that you support them, no matter what. Keep teaching them about societal norms while learning to accept your child’s differences. Help your child find a way to live within society without denying their own need to trust their guts. It may take some nerves, you may step outside of your comfort zone, but it will be worth it.

You are the only you. Your child is the only one of them. As Deepak Chopra once said, “The Universe needs what only you have to offer

Overwhelm 12.9.22

Trust Your Gut 05.05.18