Much has been written about the kids of today needing to learn grit and resilience. I believe in these ideas wholeheartedly. I let my kids cry it out when they were babies. I did not run to them when they scraped their knees as toddlers. I do not do their projects so they look slick for school.

However, having twice-exceptional children means I cannot look at the world wearing neuro-typical rose colored glasses. I must take each article and book I read, each lesson I learn, and revamp it for the gifted children I have. And then, I must rewrite it again in my head to accommodate for their vulnerabilities. This is not an easy task. It takes practice, knowledge, and a whole lot of patience. It also means I must cut myself some slack as our kids are very complex.

I’ve learned I need to take a step back and think about things more deeply. I make mistakes, I apologize often, and then I try again. A standard tantrum from a tired six year old is not standard in my family. I used to ask the standards; “Is he hungry, is she tired?” Then I learned, there is so much more going on.

Now I stop and think, “What sounds are setting him off, is there sensory overload happening here?” “Is he not getting the in-depth answers from the clerk he expected?” “Is it not specific enough an answer?” “Did the teacher offer wait time?” "Did she just outsmart her teacher?" “Did they explain it in different ways so she could understand better?” And, then, “How do I handle this?”

I come home and think and talk and think and talk. I spend the night researching what he was asking about so I can provide him answers. My husband and I go over how we could have handled the situation differently. We discuss with our kids how they could have handled the situation differently. It’s not about what they “should” have done differently, it’s what they “could” have done differently. It’s hard for them to come up with ideas since they see nothing wrong with their curt behavior or their standing alone on the sidelines. And, is that ok? Social cues are not their forte.

Emotional IQ is the newest buzz word, what does that mean for my hard working, highly intelligent children who end up annoying people with their curiosity and “too many questions,” taking too much time to think about things, having too much knowledge or too much energy? He works so hard to understand the world around him. She tries so hard to be confident. They’ll get there. Of that, I am sure. It just may not be in the standard time frame.

I am now letting the kids learn that Mom and Dad cannot, and will not, fix everything. We will help them work through their issues when they want advice but they need to find their own grit and resilience, we cannot force it upon them. They need to learn their own EQ. Today we’ve learned that to help our kids is to teach them about themselves and things will develop in time.